Making Your Steps Count

   It's well known my love for technology. Much to my family's irritation my trusty iPhone never leaves my side. Contained within my laptop are irreplaceable pieces of my past like pictures of my son's first runs with me and my running log dating back to 2002. My iPod plays the music that's sped me through two sub four hour marathons. My Garmin running watch has scratches all over it, much of the writing has rubbed off, it looks like it's been through a war. I've said it before, but out of all of my beloved technological devices my FitBit is the one of the ones that I cherish the most. 

   I've owned my FitBit One for about three years now. This particular version isn't one of the wristband models. It's the clip on "One" model and now that I'm used to wearing it, it's become almost like an extension of myself. Don't get me wrong, it took what seemed like forever until I didn't accidentally leave it somewhere like on a locker room bench at my gym. Or I've forgotten to take it off my running shorts before I threw them in the washer. Thank God the company has outstanding customer service and sent me a replacement free of charge. I've even lost it at places like my chiropractor's office where it got wedged in his adjustment table. 

   

   In my career of law enforcement they train us how to spot if someone is wearing a concealed handgun beneath their clothing. Many times a bad guy will unconsciously put their hand on the spot on their body where the weapon is hidden to make sure it's still there. Policemen at my local gas station are always eyeing me up when I'm just making sure my FitBit's still there! I hope I haven't jinxed myself. Haven't misplaced it since last summer!

   I've discussed what FitBit products do previously so I'm not going to go into great depth here. But I'll mention what it does in case you're unfamiliar with these types of devices. FitBit and their devices started the trend of wearable fitness trackers. Their devices act like pedometers on steroids tracking data like steps taken, floors climbed, miles traveled, calories burned and can also rate the quality of your sleep. Some of their newer models even track heart rate and display a caller id when linked with your smart phone. When using their smartphone app you can also enter your daily meals to track calories eaten. After creating a free account with their online website all of this data is displayed in easy to read graphs and charts. They even have a social aspect where you can compete with your friends.

   Being a distance runner who's a techie my FitBit was the perfect companion to analyze everything I did into my day whether it included actively training or taking the dog for a walk and put it into an easily understandable fitness snapshot. It helped me discover some things that I could improve, helped me to loose some excess weight and made some of the more mundane aspects of training fun and interesting again. All of that being said, when you run 30 or more miles every week, have a running streak and cross-train in the gym twice a week you don't have to be too worried about your weight or health. I was already doing the work and I got pretty used to being at the top of FitBit's leader boards easily surpassing most of my friends on any given day.

   As the saying goes, you don't know what you've got until it's gone. After being sidelined with my back injury I had to take almost three months off from any sort of serious training. It was depressing to see all of my stats drop to almost nothing. But I continued to wear my FitBit for the simple reason that I felt awkward without it. Most days though I just couldn't bring myself to look at any of the data. Being out of work and not active made the days sometimes drag endlessly on. Right before beginning running again I was at my lowest point and I don't know why, but I took a look at my fitness information for the entire time that I was laid up. Surprisingly I found that I wasn't as inactive as I thought I was during those seemingly endless weeks. I was active and I began to use my FitBit as a way to grade my progress as I got back on my feet with regards to running. Something that I once thought of as a toy became a powerful inspirational tool to help me through those painful first weeks. 

   I'm happy to say that the running program continues to improve on a weekly basis. I'm still not back to the type of condition that I once was. But with a little more patience and time I'll be back on the top of those dang leader boards. If you're injured or need a kick in the butt consider getting one of these handy little tools. I guarantee you'll love their products and their customer service is the best I've ever seen in a company. It won't do the work for you, but it'll sure make everything a little more fun! If you're interested let me know and I can point you in the right direction. Hope everyone's having a great week! 

   

Happy New Year & Running Ransom Rd. by Calib Daniloff

   So I finally got a second or two of free time this holiday season to catch up on some running related reading that my wife got me last Christmas. I typically like to read fiction that's totally unrelated to running. But a few years ago I picked up a little book called Born to Run by Chris Mcdougall. It was a done deal after reading the book that is credited with single-handedly starting the minimalist running boom. I was quickly hooked reading books related to one of my biggest passions. 

  

   My latest read was Running Ransom Road by Calib Daniloff. It's a blistering account of the author's journey of self-discovery from childhood, to alcoholic, drug user and then finally to long distance runner.

   Throughout the book Daniloff's account jumps back and forth from memories of his early childhood growing up in Washington DC, Massachusetts and Russia. I couldn't imagine the turmoil of moving to such a once "closed" country while going through his tumultuous teenage years. He does a good job of expressing how foreign and isolated he felt living there. It's during this time that he first begins experimenting with drugs and alcohol. 

   As you can imagine, his isolation during those years don't serve him very well when he moves back to the US. He finds it hard to fit in his American schools and eventually gravitates towards heavier drug and alcohol abuse. From my own experiences in a career of law enforcement I know first hand the tragedy and sadness that can accompany such addictions. He gives heartbreaking accounts of the crazy things that he did while high and drunk, and the people that he hurt along the way. It's amazing that his family even talks to him.  

   But the book isn't about addiction. But about how Daniloff digs himself out of that dark world through running. The life of a recovering addict is a life of repentance and healing. He discovers the powerful addiction of running and embraces a good habit for once in his life. I've read before that many recovering addicts love running because of this very reason. 

   Daniloff decides to jump headfirst into the world of running and goes on a whirlwind tour of running seven different races, including five marathons in just a little more than a year. He strategically picks these races in places where he suffered through his various addictions. I like this guys style! The descriptions of the races were a little bare. But he draws you in by recalling flashbacks to a time before he was running and instead, suffering in those very places. 

   At first I didn't really like this book. The flashes back and forth between the past and present were at times, confusing and irritating because they broke up the flow of the story. I did eventually get used to Daniloff's writing style though. I didn't like all of the recalling of all of the terrible things he either did or suffered through. I did however come to respect his relentless journey to set things right with those he hurt and right past wrongs. You gotta love a guy who's humble enough to admit he was wrong so many times and make up for it. 

   I've heard some people say that people who run are only running to "run" away from something in their personal life. I've always hated that description. We're not a bunch of cowards avoiding uncomfortable things that arise in life. But there's truth in us using running to deal with the difficult things in our lives. Through my years running I used it to deal with anxiety, work stress, fear, sadness and rage. It always has a way of bleeding off the negative stuff leaving me a much happier man than when I started. I feel pity on the people who don't have that as a tool in their lives to combat things like that. Daniloff alludes to this throughout the entire book.

   It was a quick read and as I finished the book I found myself revising my initial dislike of the book. I appreciated his honesty about his troubled past. Just from writing this blog I know how terrifying it can be to reveal sensitive things about your life. I couldn't imagine doing that through a published book. I loved his quest. Many of us should strive to do this in our own lives. It's a cause worth championing. Overall I'd say give it a read!

   As the New Year begins I find myself a changed man. Last year started out with such an incredible amount of momentum. I completed my 366 Project, decided to continue it further and chose a new challenge, to run my first 50K. I had to end the Project at 609 days and never got the chance at my first ultra marathon. I couldn't walk, was out of work for a very long time and felt like a complete failure. I was promoting all the wonderful things that I've gotten from physical fitness and running, but I couldn't run one step. 

   I'm glad 2014's over. Now that it's 2015 I don't feel like a failure anymore. It's easy to tote something when everything's "running" smoothly. But throughout my running career I've always had challenges and injures to overcome. It's part of running. Hell, it's part of life. So as this year begins I smile. NOT because I'm going to run 366 days or my first ultra. But because I'm still here, running my challenges down. My discs have gone back in, I've got the best running coach and I'm starting to run at speeds that make me feel like a superhero. It's not perfect, but I've already proved some people wrong. Why not do it a little more? 

   Don't pay attention to the doubters, or listen to your negative self. Believe in the impossible and if you fail, dust yourself off and start back at Square Run! Happy New Year my friends!        

That First Mile

   After running long distance for more than 12 years you can get a little accustomed to certain things. It's just a matter of fact that some of your toenails are going to get that god awful black color and eventually fall off. It becomes so mundane that you even stop bothering to go to the podiatrist to have them removed. It still makes me a bit nauseous, but why pay someone to do something you can do yourself? Anybody other than a runner will think that this is gross. Sorry. 

   You start to refer to things in your neighborhood not by location but by how far they are from your house. Uncle Jim's house is 11.5 miles north, that pier where the fishing is good is three miles exactly that way and the post office is either 10 miles or 12.75 miles depending if you take the second side road on the right. Everything gets noted as a distance related to how far away they are when your running. 

   You also begin to look at your mileage in a different way. Gone are the early days of standing there awestruck at the finish line of your first 5K race amazed that you even finished. Gone is the sweaty satisfaction when you actually run for two hours straight for the first time. Gone are the feelings of being indestructible when you run six days out of seven without killing yourself in the process. 

   I'm a huge believer that anyone can learn to run any distance. It's one of the reasons that I started blogging and video podcasting; to encourage everyone that it is indeed possible to become a runner. All that you need is a sensible training plan, a little dedication and a goal. Runners are some of the most universally accepting athletes out there. We don't care about how fast you are, how far you can run or your athletic ability. But I'm the first to admit that there's a definite distinction between a newbie and veteran runner. That distinction for me was always in distances. I'd never dream of looking down on on a fellow runner who could only run a single mile. Even if you're a professional ultra marathon superstar who regularly wins 100 mile races, even you started out by just running a mere mile. It's where all of us came from.

   That being said I did have a certain amount of pride in the fact that over 12 years of hard dedicated training I developed my ability to run double digit mileage in a single day. When talking to family and friends about how far I was going to run or had run that day I'd say things like, "It was only ten miles." or "Hey honey, I'm going out for a quick 13 miler." Truthfully I never added the "only" or "quick" type words to brag. They were the honest truth. Sometimes one of the most difficult things to master when becoming a distance runner is that running the actual distance is usually much less daunting than the idea. If you can wrap your head around the fact that regular runners just like you and me routinely finish 100 miles races in 24 hours then you've won half the battle. Running long was something that I enjoyed and did well. I just got out there and did it. 

   I don't know if pride is the right term to use, but that sense of pride in being able to knock off long miles became something that was well, just fact. Over time I'd forgotten about that first incredible mile. How slow it was and how it brought me to my knees sweat dripping from everywhere barely being able to breathe. I'd forgotten the beginning. 

   Well there's nothing like a serious injury that sidelines you from even walking to make you remember that first glorious mile. My mind, my body and even my inner spirit had come to rely on what I used to get from all those long distance miles. Being without that has made the last few months difficult to say the least. When you can't even walk all that well you learn to appreciate not only other runners, but all the other things that go along with being healthy and active. You can't mow the lawn as fast as you once did. You have trouble sleeping because your damn body is used to having way more daily steps show on your FitBit. You can forget about having that extra beer or slice of pumpkin pie, unless you want to pack on some added pounds. You quickly discover how many things that you once took for granted are surprisingly related to your running.

   Last week Coach started getting serious with my training and we started adding additional mileage to my weekly schedule. Nothing crazy just an additional half-mile or mile here and there. When you have have big fat ZEROS for monthly mile staring back at you when you look at your training log though, one additional mile seems like a marathon. Like I said, getting over the mental aspect is huge if you want to go farther. So I shoved my fears in the little box and rolled with it trusting in Coach and all the re-hab and healing that I've done. 

   Last Saturday I ran for the first time outside since late August. It was slow, the pain in my right hip still holding me back. I've never told anyone this, but I oddly enjoy watching the seasons change the way my neighborhood looks when I go out for my runs. I'd missed the end of Summer and my favorite season, Fall. It was nice to notice some changes though. That beautiful colonial being built was pretty much completed, the beautiful daises that a neighbor planted next to her rock wall had gone to sleep for the Winter and I could see the Lake through the trees now that all the leaves have dropped. So many changes outside and within me.

   As I trotted back down my street my Garmin beeped; two miles non-stop. The furthest that I've run in a very, very long time. My hip actually loosened up a little bit towards the end. I even managed a few brief spurts at my old warm-up pace. Two miles used to be about how long it took me to warm-up. Now it's become my long distance run. I stood there for a minute hardly feeling the cold late November chill in the air. The early Winter sunsets that I once took for granted on my runs, like so many other things, were not going to be idly dismissed anymore. It was a beautiful, brilliant red sun and I basked in it for awhile.

   Went inside to find my wife and son putting up our Christmas decorations now that Thanksgiving was over. The fireplace was roaring, smelling amazing. They stopped for a moment as I walked into the living room both of them looking up at my sweaty face. My wife asked me how was it? I had to swallow hard as that huge lump welled up in my throat. "It was a good two miles."

   From this day forward, I will never take for granted this gift. I remember where I came from. I remember that first mile...  

Being Thankful

   As I sit here next to a roaring fire I wonder to myself where the heck did the summer go? It seems like just the other day that I was running outside in shorts sweating away! But this Summer and Fall have come and gone before I knew it. Sadly with them so did my running and my plans to run my hometown marathon and first two ultra-marathons. 

   I'd be lying if I said that everything is going the way that I'd like it to. The recovery process has been irritatingly slow. I've been injured before. When you're a distance runner you become accustomed to being in discomfort and pushing through it. But I can't push through this any faster than I am. Some days I can jump out of bed and life is good. Some days I need a semi-running start and things aren't as good. But I'm trying to keep everything in perspective; over two months ago I couldn't even walk out of my bedroom. I managed to run three 12:00 miles this week and re-started my favorite core-routines.

   Distance running can be a very lonely sport. Most of your training and racing will be without anyone else. That solitude is one of the reasons that I like it so much. Some sunrises should be marveled at all alone. But now more than ever I need encouragement. I somehow was lucky enough to pick up a running coach. I've been running now for over 12 years. Over that time I've learned many good skills. I know how to safely train for a marathon, work some cross-training into my weekly routine and purchase the right type of running shoes. But is there a better way to do things? Who's going to encourage me through this slow process of returning to distance running? And more importantly, who's going to get me to cut back when I've got too much enthusiasm or push me when I don't have enough? I think I've got that covered now. For the first time in my running career I'll have someone in my corner who actually knows what they're doing. 

   I'm so tired of hospital bills and doctor office co-pays it's not even funny. It seems like everyday that a new bill comes in the mail. But I'm lucky enough to live in a part of the state that has top of the line doctors in the field of my injury. I've even discovered a new chiropractor who's also a runner. It's nice to have someone who knows why you love to run and is using state of the art equipment to treat you. Finally I've got a PT recovery program that won't take half a day to complete. 

   There will be many more obstacles that I'll have to overcome. But on the eve of the day that we are supposed to remember the great things in our lives I find myself feeling very thankful. I'm back to work, feeling better, running again and have the most amazing set of family and friends rallying behind me. 

   Happy Thanksgiving my friends...   

        

National Hug A Runner Day

   As I rolled out of a way too comfortably warm bed today I checked my trusty Google Calendar to see what was on my agenda for my only day off this week. I was hoping that today wasn't the day, but there it was staring back at me scheduled for 12:30 PM. Today I was scheduled to meet with my spinal surgeon's PA to discuss my progress so far. So I did what I typically do when faced with something as stressful as I was sure this appointment would be, I blocked it out and proceeded to be the busiest dad, husband and Facebook friend that I could be. Mornings are always rushed here in the Sandman household, I just turned it up a little to keep my mind on other things. I made breakfast, cleaned up the kitchen, sent out texts, started some laundry, sent out some birthday wishes, liked a thousand posts, took care of the hounds, shoveled about two inches of the white stuff off the driveway (yeah, winter finally here) and managed to get Sandkid off to school! It's funny how productive a type A guy with minor OCD who's trying to block something out can be!

   Then it was off to the gym to get a workout in. The whole new having an actual coach thing is working out really good so far. I'm the type of guy who follows things to the letter. So maybe having a coach with as much experience and skill as Coach Judy has will channel that dedication into the correct path to get me not only up and running again, but make me better than before? You've gotta respect someone who's run for 29 years straight! And I thought 609 days was a long time! I wasn't sure how the online thing would work, but it's much easier than I expected. What was life before email and social media? I remember sitting at work computer for the first time many years ago filled with doubt that I'd ever learn how to use the thing. Now I'm sending my coach in Virginia scanned copies of my workouts via email and giving her updates on my progress through online chats. Yeah, I got skills! 

   The plan for this week's training was a combination of both of us. I got the clearance form Coach to restart my two favorite core workout routines. Only this time using better form and inserting some minor additions here and there. It felt strange to do the movements again after not not doing them for almost three months! Even the puppy looked at me on the carpet yesterday and said, "Dude, I thought you gave those up? You look ridiculous!" But the common theme I'm getting from many back injury specialists is to strengthen, strengthen, strengthen the core. So that's what I'm going to do! My chiropractor gave me his first exercise that he wants me to start doing since I've nixed my PT, the pelvic bridge. He wants me to work up to being able to hold it for 83 seconds. Holy crap I used to think I was in shape! Going to have to work on that whole time thingy!

   Coach wanted me to walk run just a mile three times this week trying to get up to 20 minutes of activity. The plan was to have this great big kickoff on Monday. But I got stuck for almost 16 hours at the hospital watching a badguy who had heart problems. Since the injury wearing a duty belt and body armor sucks royally. Sitting on hospital gurneys and bad chairs didn't help. I even had to cancel an appointment. So the big start happened on Tuesday instead. I was surprised as hell to knock out a 12 minute mile. I even managed to run at 5 MPH for the entire time! I can't put into words what it felt like to be able to run again. My mind, my body, everything felt like it was coming back online after being asleep for ages. My running shoes felt awkward as hell and it wasn't pain free. But it was a huge personal victory on a dark basement treadmill. I even managed to do it again today! 

   The doctor's visit went better than expected. Even after all the worrying. I was so afraid that I was going to get the "Surgery's the only option at this point." speech. I even wore a running top and shorts to make sure that she got the impression I'm getting better. It was like 20 degrees today with fresh snow on the ground; everyone looked at me like I was insane! Got the OK to slightly increase my nerve blocker medication if I need to and am scheduled for another visit in three months. Lots of questions and I've gotta say that I mentally feel better. There's so many negative people and information out there about this type of injury. But it's all bullshit! Surgery was discussed as an option in the future if it starts interfering with my life. She doesn't know that I'm probably the only patient who treated an extended sick leave due to a back injury as a vacation to do house improvement projects! I don't sit still!   

   As I walked out of the doctor's office my phone buzzed with a calendar reminder that made me smile. It was National Hug A Runner Day. It's been a long time. Lots of hard work. Lots of worrying. Lots of endless waiting. Sometimes you just have to put your head down, do the work and have faith that you'll finish the race. That is one hell of a difficult thing to do and this is one really freaking long race. But I'm doin it step by step. Got hugs from my wife and my little man when I got home; not because I'm a great husband or amazing father, but because I'm a runner...

   Happy National Hug A Runner Day my friends! Fast, slow, run-walker I give you a big virtual hug! So blessed that the miles continue to tick by and that the race continues...

A Comeback

   It's funny how when things seem so dark that a turnaround comes out of the blue. This week has been the incredible week that I needed in a lot of ways. It's been such a struggle here lately and it was finally nice to let some sunshine in.

   It appears that going back to work has done my back injury a bit of good. The three to four miles that I routinely walk during a shift have provided healing by bringing additional blood flow to my herniated discs. Still leaning a little. But definitely not as bad two weeks ago. Feel like I'm getting better everyday!

   I managed to actually run a whole mile! Funny when you consider that six miles was once my easy standard daily distance that I ran every day. But I'm not complaining. Even during that short distance I found myself slipping back into the old familiar routine. I felt old systems coming back online and for a brief time, it felt AMAZING! It felt really good to be back and feel like a runner again!

   After the momentous mile run I started thinking about what to do next. I've learned a lot through this experience and not surprisingly, I've got much more to discover. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks? This event has challenged many of the things that I've come to rely on as standard techniques, exercises and methods for training and running. I've always been a self taught distance runner. But maybe it was time to reach out and discover what else was out there. I contacted my friend Judy Mick to bounce some ideas off her. Judy's an amazing runner, author, coach and streaker. She's what I consider to be at the pinnacle of our sport. We met through FB when I started my running streak. She makes my 609 days of non-stop running look like a walk in the park. She's been doing it non-stop for many years. She gave me some good advice and out of nowhere, offered to coach me. To say that I was surprised is an understatement. For someone to offer their time and experience to make someone else better (that they've never met in person) is such a gift. To do it just because we're friends is even more amazing. I'm more than grateful.  

   I ran another non-stop mile today and met with a new chiropractor. I felt better today than I have in a very long time. Even managed a 5 MPH pace for a brief time. The new doc did something that three I've already talked with didn't, he explained everything that was going on with me. Made some minor adjustments and we made a new attack plan for my recovery. After my appointment I felt even better mentally and physically. 

   Comebacks don't always happen in fancy gyms, with state of the art equipment or during sensational big name races. Sometimes they happen in dark basements, on a sweaty treadmill to the sound of laundry washing while a lone lab sheep dog mix stares at some crazy guy raising his fist in victory to the Running Gods after running just a single, plain and slow mile. 

   Don't give up. Maybe the comeback you're looking for is right around the corner...    

   

Hell Of A Life

   It's been awhile since I've posted here. Not because I haven't wanted to. I actually started and deleted two previous attempts at posting. It's very difficult to put into words the thoughts, emotions and craziness that have been going through my life lately. I didn't want to turn this into a place where all I did was bitch about everything that's going wrong in my life either. I've always wanted this to be something to inspire others to unlock their true potential to be what they've always wanted regardless whether that's through running or not. 

   

   It's been challenging to feel inspiring when you go from proudly having a running streak lasting over 600 days and being on the verge of running your first 50K to not being able to even walk. I can deal with the running streak ending. It was only meant to last 366 days after all. I can deal with putting the idea of running a 50K on the Shelf of Future Stuff. Who wants to run a little over 30 miles anyways? But when you consider everything else that everyone doesn't see that I get from running, this unwelcome hiatus has been quite devastating.

   I used to think fellow co-workers who returned from an extended sick leave were completely insane when said they couldn't wait to get back to work. I don't think that's such a crazy concept anymore. Yeah it's great staying home still getting paid. Yeah it's great to have all the free time that you want. Yeah it's great to have the luxury of seeing your friends and family whenever you want. But there's things that I never considered too. I missed my friends at work and feeling like I had value in the world. All that free time gets really old when you have nothing to do and can't get around without any pain. I'm totally screwed when I retire and I will never mumble under my breath again when I'm stuck behind a slower person at the grocery store. Sure you have nothing to do but your friends and family still have their lives. The world doesn't stop when you do. There were so many boring days that when I did finally talk to or see my friends and family I overwhelmed them a bit. The worst of it all was the time to think about the worst possible outcomes of my current condition. It was and to a much lesser extent still now consuming me. The pain's always a constant reminder that it's there. Some days made me feel like I was Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. 

   I tried to do a lot of research and reach out to other back injury suffers. But that wasn't such a great thing. I read a lot of horrible stories, met some people who were mere shadows of who they once were and got the hell scared out of me. I was afraid that I was going to become addicted to pain medication, have endless, pointless surgeries and have to walk away from running and my career forever. 

   I tried to throw myself into my re-hab. My therapist in my opinion was a little too eager to feed that obsession. I got up to doing an hour and a half of strength and flexibility exercises a day. I was gaining strength but I was beating the hell out of myself while doing it. I'm the kind of person who will follow instructions to the letter. But I was getting really sick of killing myself at something that didn't seem to be working. It was so depressing to log two zero miles of running in my running log for the last two months.  

   I tried to use all my new found free time to attack some home improvement projects that have been waiting in the wind forever. Only I would take an extended sick leave into a chance to redo my kitchen. I got a lot of stuff done. It wasn't wasn't easy and it took me more time than I wanted because of the pain. It looked great but it was getting out of control. When you're out sick you can't work OT to feed the project's bankroll. 

   I'm not afraid to admit this, but many times things were so dark. Sometimes they still are. When I was younger and obese food was something that I took comfort in when I was stressed. This carried over into my adulthood as a runner. But all those miles helped to combat the stress of life and the extra calorie binge that happened every now and then. Only now there were more binges than usual and nothing to help with the extra calories or stress. After many discussions with my wife, who's a therapist, I started going to a psychiatrist to help maintain my sanity. I was having a lot of scary thoughts. The guy's amazing and specializes in helping members of the law enforcement community. It was nice to have someone to talk too and offer a different perspective. 

   I decided that I needed to go back to work to restart a normal life. I was able to stand now and walk. Got cleared by my doctor and the department's doctor to return to work full duty status. Inside I still felt weak and vulnerable. But I didn't have an endless amount of sick days either. I needed to go back. 

   The first week of being back at work is in the books. I knew it was going to be challenging and tough. My uniform fit like garbage because I've gained some weight. The gunbelt that once was just something that I wore became a pain in my side, literally. I typically daily walk over three miles when I'm at work and it was challenging to have to do that again. Holy crap I never realized how much walking that is! My entire life I've had a minor foot impediment that causes my left foot to slightly turn in. The back pain is causing my body to shift to the left. This is a common symptom of a back injury and happens involuntary. Those two things coupled together have garnered much attention from bad guys and co-workers alike. It gets really old hearing about how I'm leaning the 1000th time. The constant reminder sucks. The naysayers who assured me that my injury was from running and told me to give it up weren't very helpful or educated about what I'm going through. The injury has nothing to do with running, running actually increases blood flow and healing and makes it feel better. I'm worried some of my supervisors will force me to go back on sick leave or light duty too because of the visible leaning. I sure as hell don't want to go back out sick and certainly don't want to get moved to the 3PM-11PM or 11PM-7AM shifts on light duty either. I was nervous as hell and all of these things just made that worse.

   But my friends made the transition back easier and my self esteem grew as the week passed. After talking with a friend who's a supervisor I changed some things around. We were talking about how some people suffering from back injuries let it define them and how they can use that as an excuse to never return to something like running. I don't know why, but it hit home when he said, "When you're ready you'll just do it." 

   I started strictly enforcing taking my nerve medication and OTC pain medication, not just when I needed it. I religiously started using ice and my TENS machine again. Only I would pick the week that I return to work to start learning how to run again with my therapist's walk-run program! Again I think that it's a little too aggressive. So I rearranged some of the steps and I'm happy to report that for the last three days the visible shifting is gone. Only I notice the minuscule shift when I stare back at myself in the mirror. Last night I walk-ran a little over a mile and it felt damn good. Yes there was pain but it was manageable and for some reason felt like something that won't last. It took me twice as long as what used to be an easy slow warm-up mile. But a little over a mile is a little over a mile. It still counts and felt like a new beginning. I also felt like writing here again.

   Facing your own worst fears and your worst critic, yourself is incredibly scary. It makes you question who you are and where you're going. But the past in the past. The future is unwritten. It won't be easy. But if there's one thing I'm good at it's putting my head down and pushing on. Call it blind faith that through hard work anything is achievable. Nothing is for certain. I could never run again or I could. Maybe this is the defining moment that few blessed people get to experience in their lives that give them inspiration to do amazing, positive things. I've learned some things that only could be taught through an event like this. It's a hell of a life. But I'm going live it one mile at a time.