It's been awhile since I've posted here. Not because I haven't wanted to. I actually started and deleted two previous attempts at posting. It's very difficult to put into words the thoughts, emotions and craziness that have been going through my life lately. I didn't want to turn this into a place where all I did was bitch about everything that's going wrong in my life either. I've always wanted this to be something to inspire others to unlock their true potential to be what they've always wanted regardless whether that's through running or not.
It's been challenging to feel inspiring when you go from proudly having a running streak lasting over 600 days and being on the verge of running your first 50K to not being able to even walk. I can deal with the running streak ending. It was only meant to last 366 days after all. I can deal with putting the idea of running a 50K on the Shelf of Future Stuff. Who wants to run a little over 30 miles anyways? But when you consider everything else that everyone doesn't see that I get from running, this unwelcome hiatus has been quite devastating.
I used to think fellow co-workers who returned from an extended sick leave were completely insane when said they couldn't wait to get back to work. I don't think that's such a crazy concept anymore. Yeah it's great staying home still getting paid. Yeah it's great to have all the free time that you want. Yeah it's great to have the luxury of seeing your friends and family whenever you want. But there's things that I never considered too. I missed my friends at work and feeling like I had value in the world. All that free time gets really old when you have nothing to do and can't get around without any pain. I'm totally screwed when I retire and I will never mumble under my breath again when I'm stuck behind a slower person at the grocery store. Sure you have nothing to do but your friends and family still have their lives. The world doesn't stop when you do. There were so many boring days that when I did finally talk to or see my friends and family I overwhelmed them a bit. The worst of it all was the time to think about the worst possible outcomes of my current condition. It was and to a much lesser extent still now consuming me. The pain's always a constant reminder that it's there. Some days made me feel like I was Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.
I tried to do a lot of research and reach out to other back injury suffers. But that wasn't such a great thing. I read a lot of horrible stories, met some people who were mere shadows of who they once were and got the hell scared out of me. I was afraid that I was going to become addicted to pain medication, have endless, pointless surgeries and have to walk away from running and my career forever.
I tried to throw myself into my re-hab. My therapist in my opinion was a little too eager to feed that obsession. I got up to doing an hour and a half of strength and flexibility exercises a day. I was gaining strength but I was beating the hell out of myself while doing it. I'm the kind of person who will follow instructions to the letter. But I was getting really sick of killing myself at something that didn't seem to be working. It was so depressing to log two zero miles of running in my running log for the last two months.
I tried to use all my new found free time to attack some home improvement projects that have been waiting in the wind forever. Only I would take an extended sick leave into a chance to redo my kitchen. I got a lot of stuff done. It wasn't wasn't easy and it took me more time than I wanted because of the pain. It looked great but it was getting out of control. When you're out sick you can't work OT to feed the project's bankroll.
I'm not afraid to admit this, but many times things were so dark. Sometimes they still are. When I was younger and obese food was something that I took comfort in when I was stressed. This carried over into my adulthood as a runner. But all those miles helped to combat the stress of life and the extra calorie binge that happened every now and then. Only now there were more binges than usual and nothing to help with the extra calories or stress. After many discussions with my wife, who's a therapist, I started going to a psychiatrist to help maintain my sanity. I was having a lot of scary thoughts. The guy's amazing and specializes in helping members of the law enforcement community. It was nice to have someone to talk too and offer a different perspective.
I decided that I needed to go back to work to restart a normal life. I was able to stand now and walk. Got cleared by my doctor and the department's doctor to return to work full duty status. Inside I still felt weak and vulnerable. But I didn't have an endless amount of sick days either. I needed to go back.
The first week of being back at work is in the books. I knew it was going to be challenging and tough. My uniform fit like garbage because I've gained some weight. The gunbelt that once was just something that I wore became a pain in my side, literally. I typically daily walk over three miles when I'm at work and it was challenging to have to do that again. Holy crap I never realized how much walking that is! My entire life I've had a minor foot impediment that causes my left foot to slightly turn in. The back pain is causing my body to shift to the left. This is a common symptom of a back injury and happens involuntary. Those two things coupled together have garnered much attention from bad guys and co-workers alike. It gets really old hearing about how I'm leaning the 1000th time. The constant reminder sucks. The naysayers who assured me that my injury was from running and told me to give it up weren't very helpful or educated about what I'm going through. The injury has nothing to do with running, running actually increases blood flow and healing and makes it feel better. I'm worried some of my supervisors will force me to go back on sick leave or light duty too because of the visible leaning. I sure as hell don't want to go back out sick and certainly don't want to get moved to the 3PM-11PM or 11PM-7AM shifts on light duty either. I was nervous as hell and all of these things just made that worse.
But my friends made the transition back easier and my self esteem grew as the week passed. After talking with a friend who's a supervisor I changed some things around. We were talking about how some people suffering from back injuries let it define them and how they can use that as an excuse to never return to something like running. I don't know why, but it hit home when he said, "When you're ready you'll just do it."
I started strictly enforcing taking my nerve medication and OTC pain medication, not just when I needed it. I religiously started using ice and my TENS machine again. Only I would pick the week that I return to work to start learning how to run again with my therapist's walk-run program! Again I think that it's a little too aggressive. So I rearranged some of the steps and I'm happy to report that for the last three days the visible shifting is gone. Only I notice the minuscule shift when I stare back at myself in the mirror. Last night I walk-ran a little over a mile and it felt damn good. Yes there was pain but it was manageable and for some reason felt like something that won't last. It took me twice as long as what used to be an easy slow warm-up mile. But a little over a mile is a little over a mile. It still counts and felt like a new beginning. I also felt like writing here again.
Facing your own worst fears and your worst critic, yourself is incredibly scary. It makes you question who you are and where you're going. But the past in the past. The future is unwritten. It won't be easy. But if there's one thing I'm good at it's putting my head down and pushing on. Call it blind faith that through hard work anything is achievable. Nothing is for certain. I could never run again or I could. Maybe this is the defining moment that few blessed people get to experience in their lives that give them inspiration to do amazing, positive things. I've learned some things that only could be taught through an event like this. It's a hell of a life. But I'm going live it one mile at a time.
I used to think fellow co-workers who returned from an extended sick leave were completely insane when said they couldn't wait to get back to work. I don't think that's such a crazy concept anymore. Yeah it's great staying home still getting paid. Yeah it's great to have all the free time that you want. Yeah it's great to have the luxury of seeing your friends and family whenever you want. But there's things that I never considered too. I missed my friends at work and feeling like I had value in the world. All that free time gets really old when you have nothing to do and can't get around without any pain. I'm totally screwed when I retire and I will never mumble under my breath again when I'm stuck behind a slower person at the grocery store. Sure you have nothing to do but your friends and family still have their lives. The world doesn't stop when you do. There were so many boring days that when I did finally talk to or see my friends and family I overwhelmed them a bit. The worst of it all was the time to think about the worst possible outcomes of my current condition. It was and to a much lesser extent still now consuming me. The pain's always a constant reminder that it's there. Some days made me feel like I was Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.
I tried to do a lot of research and reach out to other back injury suffers. But that wasn't such a great thing. I read a lot of horrible stories, met some people who were mere shadows of who they once were and got the hell scared out of me. I was afraid that I was going to become addicted to pain medication, have endless, pointless surgeries and have to walk away from running and my career forever.
I tried to throw myself into my re-hab. My therapist in my opinion was a little too eager to feed that obsession. I got up to doing an hour and a half of strength and flexibility exercises a day. I was gaining strength but I was beating the hell out of myself while doing it. I'm the kind of person who will follow instructions to the letter. But I was getting really sick of killing myself at something that didn't seem to be working. It was so depressing to log two zero miles of running in my running log for the last two months.
I tried to use all my new found free time to attack some home improvement projects that have been waiting in the wind forever. Only I would take an extended sick leave into a chance to redo my kitchen. I got a lot of stuff done. It wasn't wasn't easy and it took me more time than I wanted because of the pain. It looked great but it was getting out of control. When you're out sick you can't work OT to feed the project's bankroll.
I'm not afraid to admit this, but many times things were so dark. Sometimes they still are. When I was younger and obese food was something that I took comfort in when I was stressed. This carried over into my adulthood as a runner. But all those miles helped to combat the stress of life and the extra calorie binge that happened every now and then. Only now there were more binges than usual and nothing to help with the extra calories or stress. After many discussions with my wife, who's a therapist, I started going to a psychiatrist to help maintain my sanity. I was having a lot of scary thoughts. The guy's amazing and specializes in helping members of the law enforcement community. It was nice to have someone to talk too and offer a different perspective.
I decided that I needed to go back to work to restart a normal life. I was able to stand now and walk. Got cleared by my doctor and the department's doctor to return to work full duty status. Inside I still felt weak and vulnerable. But I didn't have an endless amount of sick days either. I needed to go back.
The first week of being back at work is in the books. I knew it was going to be challenging and tough. My uniform fit like garbage because I've gained some weight. The gunbelt that once was just something that I wore became a pain in my side, literally. I typically daily walk over three miles when I'm at work and it was challenging to have to do that again. Holy crap I never realized how much walking that is! My entire life I've had a minor foot impediment that causes my left foot to slightly turn in. The back pain is causing my body to shift to the left. This is a common symptom of a back injury and happens involuntary. Those two things coupled together have garnered much attention from bad guys and co-workers alike. It gets really old hearing about how I'm leaning the 1000th time. The constant reminder sucks. The naysayers who assured me that my injury was from running and told me to give it up weren't very helpful or educated about what I'm going through. The injury has nothing to do with running, running actually increases blood flow and healing and makes it feel better. I'm worried some of my supervisors will force me to go back on sick leave or light duty too because of the visible leaning. I sure as hell don't want to go back out sick and certainly don't want to get moved to the 3PM-11PM or 11PM-7AM shifts on light duty either. I was nervous as hell and all of these things just made that worse.
But my friends made the transition back easier and my self esteem grew as the week passed. After talking with a friend who's a supervisor I changed some things around. We were talking about how some people suffering from back injuries let it define them and how they can use that as an excuse to never return to something like running. I don't know why, but it hit home when he said, "When you're ready you'll just do it."
I started strictly enforcing taking my nerve medication and OTC pain medication, not just when I needed it. I religiously started using ice and my TENS machine again. Only I would pick the week that I return to work to start learning how to run again with my therapist's walk-run program! Again I think that it's a little too aggressive. So I rearranged some of the steps and I'm happy to report that for the last three days the visible shifting is gone. Only I notice the minuscule shift when I stare back at myself in the mirror. Last night I walk-ran a little over a mile and it felt damn good. Yes there was pain but it was manageable and for some reason felt like something that won't last. It took me twice as long as what used to be an easy slow warm-up mile. But a little over a mile is a little over a mile. It still counts and felt like a new beginning. I also felt like writing here again.
Facing your own worst fears and your worst critic, yourself is incredibly scary. It makes you question who you are and where you're going. But the past in the past. The future is unwritten. It won't be easy. But if there's one thing I'm good at it's putting my head down and pushing on. Call it blind faith that through hard work anything is achievable. Nothing is for certain. I could never run again or I could. Maybe this is the defining moment that few blessed people get to experience in their lives that give them inspiration to do amazing, positive things. I've learned some things that only could be taught through an event like this. It's a hell of a life. But I'm going live it one mile at a time.
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