Back To Square One...

      WARNING STATEMENT:

   First off let me apologize to those of you who've clicked on this blog hoping to read about the epic exploits of a 40ish something distance runner, logging weekly double digit mileage, knocking out races left and right, running non-stop for 610 days and who's hoping to break into the ultra-marathon running scene. Nope you won't find that here. So if that's what you're looking for you may want to find another running blog to read. But, before you leave please skip the next 27 paragraphs and go directly to paragraph 30. I guess you could say the blog's advertising is a little misleading...

   If you decided that you're gonna stick around to go the distance, let me give you a little background about me and where I'm coming from. I'm a nobody. I didn't play sports as a kid. Mainly because I was too obese. At 15 I weighed my heaviest at 220 lbs. I had a 42 inch waist size. I hated doing anything physical, especially running. 

   Then, through a series of events that included me going through a delayed growth spurt, moving away from an unhealthy diet, starting high school and my father passing away I lost 60 lbs. during one trans-formative summer. I literally became a different person altogether. Nobody who grew up with me recognized me. Throw in a little depression over my father's death and teenage hormones and it became the most difficult time of my life. 

   Thankfully I survived those challenging years and came out the other end someone who maybe didn't hate running as much as I once thought I did. Through the years I fell more and more in love with the once hated sport. I liked that I didn't have to prove myself to anyone other than myself. There were no Wednesday night games, no trophies or team jerseys to buy. Running is one of the most intimate sports out there. What you put in is what you get out all on your own time. It's all up to you how far and where you go. 

   As time grew, running became a solid fixture in my life. I weight-trained and ran to keep healthy. I put in a lot of time in the gym and got a lot out. But I wasn't satisfied. It quickly became apparent that I was never going to have a body like Arnold, no matter how much dedicated lifting that I did. But running was another story completely. There was no standard to have to compare to. Only the miles were there to judge me. I made gradual, visible improvements over time and found an inner strength that amazes me still today. I had dreams of racing a locally well known and loved 10K. But my inner voice kept telling me I was still that little fat kid who wasn't good enough to ever run or race.

   I met a beautiful little social worker who I quickly fell in love with and shared all of my inner most thoughts. She didn't know it yet, but she was destined to become my wife someday. Looking back on our time together I laugh. Just like coming from my law enforcement perspective, you're never off-duty. The skills you learn professionally carry over into your personal life no matter how much you try to stop it. She had me analyzed, categorized and assessed by the end of our first date. She listened to my dream of racing that 10K and posed the inevitable questions, "Why aren't you a runner and why not race the 10K?" Every time my inner doubt offered her reasons why not to do it, she batted them down with good reasons why I really should. 

   I did my research, I trained, I ran a 5K to get my feet wet. Before you know it my dream of running the Lilac 10K became a reality. Not only did she ignite the fire of my running engine, she started me down a path following my ultimate dream of becoming a distance runner.

   If you Google the definition of what a "distance runner" is you get over 500,000 different pages. Wikipedia states a distance runner or endurance runner is someone who runs race distances of 5K (3.1 miles) or more. But I think that it's something much more complex than a simple definition. After taking a step into the world of distance running you soon discover that it's done in many different ways using many different techniques, training methods and spans race distances from the 5K up into the 100 mile range. In my opinion it can be many different things to many different people. But there's one standard among them all; you need to put up some mileage to get the coveted title. 

   Over the next 12 years I racked up some distance and then some. Over 27,00 miles! Amazing still to think about that. I read everything I could get my hands on about running. I watched everything I could related to running. I experimented with my training. I made mistakes. I learned. I ran many, many more races. I found my limits and pushed myself through them. About three years ago I finally got it right and had my breakthrough year. I finished a marathon in under four hours smashing my former PR (personal record). I was in the best condition of my entire life weighing what I did in high school. I went on to set two more PR's in other race distances that great year! All the while that same amazing little social worker cheering me on; but now with a little man in tow. 

   Breakthroughs like that have a way of opening your eyes to a bigger world. What you once thought impossible becomes just out of reach. Difficult to attain; but totally possible with lots of dedication and hard work. I fulfilled my long standing goal of becoming a PT (physical training) instructor in my career. I fulfilled another running goal and dived head first into the run-net community authoring my first running blog and recording my first running video podcast. I loved it! So much energy! How could you not become addicted to contributing to such a positive group of athletes? As a matter of fact, running is one of the only sports where you can line up on race day with world record holders, Olympians and regular people. All are welcome and I've yet to meet a runner, professional or amateur, who isn't friendly, willing to offer their experience, expertise and encouragement for the price of a simple handshake.  

   I decided why stop there and set out on another goal. I ran a mile a day for 366 days in a row documenting the adventure with the my blog and video podcast. Running that much for that long shows you things about yourself and takes you places few runners ever go. I ran, I grew even more and came out of the experience someone much different than the man who ran his first 10K a long time ago. It touched and changed my life so much that I didn't stop on the 366th day. I even bettered my marathon PR time again! 

   Then came this year. I decided to keep on going with the running streak and also decided that it was time to shoot for yet another running goal, run my first 50K. I did some research, developed a training plan and signed up for my local marathon as a training run and two different 50K races later this Fall. 

   In my opinion, being a distance runner means going to those scary places within yourself where everything screams doubt at you, where you deal with insane amounts of fatigue and learn to take comfort in the pain of the long road. In order to run for such long distances requires you to break yourself down a little each time so that you can run longer the next time. Fatigue, aches and training pains became something I was very familiar with. Not bad pain mind you. Just the kind that lets you know you're working hard. 

    People ask me all the time how I run distances like I do. It's not complicated. One foot in front of the other. Always thinking positively. Constantly moving forever forward. I'm not a robot or genetically gifted. I'm a regular human being like you. I trained. I suffered. I got stronger. Over the past three years I've become quite good at riding that fine line between over-training and successful-training. It's an extremely thin, slippery and small line. 

   My ultra training was progressing as it should. I'd been nursing some hip and lower back pain all training season. But they were something I could deal with. Two weeks ago I decided to run a race that I've been eyeing for quite some time. It's called the Tour De Pain and consists of a 5K race, followed by a mile race, followed by a 400 meter sprint. All one after the other. I ran the race and was reminded yet again that my running strengths don't lay within sprinting. Horribly organized race. But I felt good an gave it my all. I was rewarded with a new PR in the mile distance. Another sign I was doing good things with regards to my training! It felt amazing to still be making great strides two days before my 41st birthday.

   The following days however were marked with a dramatic increase in that nagging hip and lower back pain. It got worse and worse each following day. Until I couldn't walk any longer and my wife forced me to go to an urgent care center. I was sure it was just a deep muscle strain. Nothing to seriously worry about.  

   A week later after x-rays, a MRI, much pain medication, consulting my chiropractor, primary care doctor and spinal surgeon I was horrified to find that it was anything but the simple muscle strain I thought it was. To have someone ask you if you were in the military as a paratrooper because your back was that bad is scary. To have someone talk with you in disbelief that you ran such long distances and raced well with a back like that can leave you speechless. My official diagnosis was that I had a narrowing of my spinal canal, had a disc protruding from the left side of my spine and a disc protruding from the center of my spine. I couldn't walk, run and when I tried was rewarded with nausea and dizziness. I made the incredibly difficult decision to end my streak at 609 days and withdraw from all of my scheduled Fall races. I couldn't even work and was placed on extended sick leave. 

   Lucifer himself couldn't have picked a better version of a living hell for me if he'd tried. I'm an active, healthy guy, with a Type-A personality who's a long distance runner used to doing everything for himself and his family. To say that this has affected me is an physically and emotionally is a huge understatement. It's difficult to sit and be inactive, let people do things for me, watch, read or see anything related to running. I've painfully discovered that over the last 12 years I've woven running into the very fabric of my life. It's how I define myself, how others see me, it's all over my house, tattooed on my body, enjoyed by my family members, on my computer, saved in my iPod, incessantly popping up on my iPhone, found in my book collections, on my Nook and intertwined throughout my social media experience and persona. Try as I may to ignore it, I can't. It's changed from something in my life that's provided a lot of joy to something that incredibly saddens me because I can't do it right now. 

   There's a lot information out there about my type of back injury. Much of it confusing and contradictory. Instead of focusing on the confusion it's time to focus on what I do know. My  spinal doctor has verified that I didn't get this injury from distance running. Due to the fact that I can't pinpoint a single traumatic back related event it's plausible to conclude that I most likely got this way from genetic factors and years of unnecessary heavy weight-training. Sorry anti-running fans. You can't blame running on this one!

   Much of the information I found is about 50/50 with how bad this injury will be. Half of it says it's a life-changing, long-term condition that will drastically decrease what I'm going to be able to do and enjoy in my life. This half says surgery is the only solution that ultimately, rarely offers any sustainable relief. Luckily, my doctors are of the other half who like to try every non-invasive treatment first before deciding on surgery. This half says the exact opposite; there's a good chance this will completely heal and I'll be able to do everything that I used to do before. Minus wasting my time squatting thousands of pounds in a sweaty gym.

   Over the past two weeks I've been reassured by some of my pretty fucking amazing friends and family that this isn't the end I feel like it is. There were days that I really needed to hear that. It can get pretty bad when you can't even get out of bed in the morning to go to the bathroom. The feeling of hopelessness can be overwhelming at times. To hear stories from some of them who sustained this same injury or worse that this was recoverable was incredible news. They were able to go back to doing what they loved to do, bike, swim and run. When you run within the circle of distance runners you meet a caliber of person who regularly accomplishes things that seem superhuman. It's really good to have superhuman family and friends pulling for you at a time like this. 

   I know myself better than anyone. I'm not the type of guy who's going to sit by and watch the race of my life go by outside a living room window. So my own self-treatment started last Saturday. I did some more intelligent research and started back strengthening exercises, restarted my yoga practices, showed my foam roller some love, got a TENS (transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation) unit, drank water like it was wine, stocked up on my running related supplements, went on some excruciatingly painful treadmill walks and sat back to enjoy the non-running related things in my life. Yes, there's more to life than running!  

   Since last Friday I've been taking Gabapentin, a prescription nerve medication and Meloxicam, a prescription NSAID (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory medication). Neither of which have strikingly proven effective with trial testing. I haven't noticed them doing very much other than giving me insomnia. So I'm going to try to stop them to see what happens. My official medical treatment started yesterday. My doctor used x-rays to guide steroid injections into the right side of my spine. Painful, hilarious at times and strange feeling. One to seven days for it to take effect. Scheduled another round in two weeks. I started my official PT re-hab today. I'n a sick kind of distance runner way I was looking forward to being tested, broken and rebuilt. I threw practically my entire life history at the girl in a single breath for five minutes. I made her smile when I said tell me what to do so I can do it twice as hard. Easiest patient she had today! I even knew most of the exercises she recommended. But I've got a lot of work ahead of me and I start tomorrow! My doctors say best case scenario, I'm back in action by the end of the week. Most likely It'll be in a month. Worst case, I'll need back surgery. But I'm staying positive. I was actually able to stand up and walk straight today!

   Regardless of my recovery time I still don't think a 50K is in my future for 2014. Although, I'm not forgetting that particular challenge anytime soon. Just putting it back of the running dream shelf. Maybe I don't need to do any kind of organized race or crazy running challenge at all this year? With all this free time on my hands I've had a lot of time to think about where I want my running to go for the rest of my life. Look down the long road ahead. It's gotten me too far to banish it from my life forever. The doctor even said that running won't make this problem any worse and it may even help it by supplying extra blood flow to the injured area. But, one thing at a time. Still can't quite run just yet. 

   If you've followed me in the past then you know that I like to start a different blog every time that I take on a new challenge. It was an amazing journey documenting my 366 Project and 5 Miles More attempt writing two different blogs. But to be honest it's an incredible pain in the ass to create a new blog every time I get a crazy running idea and take the time to present it the way that I think it deserves. So, this is it. No more separate blogs. You'll still find links to the others here and YouTube channel. But this is going to be the one and only from now on. Pardon the continued construction over the next few months to Blogger, YouTube, Facebook and Google+. Better, stronger, faster!     

   I'm not sure what the future holds for me. I've been thinking about all of my personal running experience through the years and where I want it to go in the future. I've seen beautiful things, experienced incredible events, discovered much about myself, been scared out of my mind, met some of the best people in the world, gotten madder than hell with myself, failed a lot, worked harder than I ever thought possible, experienced incredible pain, felt deep sorrow and at times, found the incredible power that lies within myself to do incredible things. It's time to talk more about that. Oh, if there were things I knew before I most likely injured my back. I'm no coach, but I think I've got some interesting things to offer other runners and athletes.    

   The awesomeness of distance running isn't in the numbers, the stats, the races, the PR's or the medals. Yes, those things are totally awesome! But at the beginning of every run, no matter who you are, what your ability is, or where you come from it's always a little bit of a gamble. You could have the run of your life or wind up tasting the defeat of a lifetime. So many factors out of our control. It's like going back to square one each and every run. Each run is a new beginning. 

   If you've lasted this long reading my new blog then I guess maybe you're interested in going the distance with me. Just when you think you've got the race won, something comes out of nowhere to put a snag in your so thought-out, flawless race strategy. This isn't going to be easy for me. I'll talk about everything and everything here. Running and my other parts of my life. It won't be pretty at times. But I promise you, it'll be honest and ridiculously funny. I'll stumble. I'll fall. But I promise you, I'll get back up and keep trying. I'll throw some interesting stuff I've learned up here from time to time. Talk about stuff that worked for me. Talk about stuff that didn't work at all. Review some good products. Reboot the video podcast. Catch you up on some helpful books. Promote the run-net community. Push the shit out of my friends running related products and stories. Write a ton! I've got a lot of spare time! I'm also interested in hearing from you, who you are, where you've been and where you're going. I don't know everything and I'm looking forward to hearing what you know. Most importantly I'm going to take a much needed step back from the seriousness of topping whatever the hell I did the year before.       

   Funny how life slows down in between those miles when you can't run them. It's been eye opening to see how many miles and races run have led me back to where it all began in the first place. Where it begins every damn time. Back to Square Run. If you come back again I'll do my best to make it worth your time. At least you can laugh at my stupidity. To my family and friends, you honor me with your love, devotion and unending encouragement. Behind every good distance runner is a better distance pit crew. You folks are why I'm so successful. Thank you. 

PARAGRAPH 30:

   Sorry about all that gibberish in the previous 27 paragraphs. Totally not worth the read if you ask me. Just please do me a small favor before you leave. No, don't go back and read them. You'll only be wasting your valuable running time. Just promise me you'll come back to this blog on September 10, 2015. If you keep your promise and remember to do this you'll find a still 40ish something distance runner author and ten very interesting things:

1.   An even better kick ass running blog!

2.   A link to a even more entertaining YouTube running channel!

3.   Numerous plans to do epic shit (If epic shit hasn't been done already)!

4.   Mileage running logs denoting double digit weeks! 

5.   Numerous plans to run races! 

6.   Possibly a running counter on day number two of a new non-stop running           streak!

7.   Plans to possibly break into the ultra-marathon running scene (albeit a little       slower)!

8.   A humbled, simple man.

9.   Surrounded by incredible family and friends too good for him to deserve.

10. Who rebuilt himself from the ground up, from square one, into something           better than he was before...

   I'll leave you then with a decision to make and a quote from one of my favorite running authors George Sheehan,-"It's very hard in the beginning to understand that the whole idea is not to beat the other runners. Eventually you learn that the competition is against the little voice inside you that wants you to quit."

This isn't the end. It's a new beginning. A chance to become stronger than before. Someday soon I'll return to it. Back to square run. From sun up till sun down, every damn day...