Being Thankful

   As I sit here next to a roaring fire I wonder to myself where the heck did the summer go? It seems like just the other day that I was running outside in shorts sweating away! But this Summer and Fall have come and gone before I knew it. Sadly with them so did my running and my plans to run my hometown marathon and first two ultra-marathons. 

   I'd be lying if I said that everything is going the way that I'd like it to. The recovery process has been irritatingly slow. I've been injured before. When you're a distance runner you become accustomed to being in discomfort and pushing through it. But I can't push through this any faster than I am. Some days I can jump out of bed and life is good. Some days I need a semi-running start and things aren't as good. But I'm trying to keep everything in perspective; over two months ago I couldn't even walk out of my bedroom. I managed to run three 12:00 miles this week and re-started my favorite core-routines.

   Distance running can be a very lonely sport. Most of your training and racing will be without anyone else. That solitude is one of the reasons that I like it so much. Some sunrises should be marveled at all alone. But now more than ever I need encouragement. I somehow was lucky enough to pick up a running coach. I've been running now for over 12 years. Over that time I've learned many good skills. I know how to safely train for a marathon, work some cross-training into my weekly routine and purchase the right type of running shoes. But is there a better way to do things? Who's going to encourage me through this slow process of returning to distance running? And more importantly, who's going to get me to cut back when I've got too much enthusiasm or push me when I don't have enough? I think I've got that covered now. For the first time in my running career I'll have someone in my corner who actually knows what they're doing. 

   I'm so tired of hospital bills and doctor office co-pays it's not even funny. It seems like everyday that a new bill comes in the mail. But I'm lucky enough to live in a part of the state that has top of the line doctors in the field of my injury. I've even discovered a new chiropractor who's also a runner. It's nice to have someone who knows why you love to run and is using state of the art equipment to treat you. Finally I've got a PT recovery program that won't take half a day to complete. 

   There will be many more obstacles that I'll have to overcome. But on the eve of the day that we are supposed to remember the great things in our lives I find myself feeling very thankful. I'm back to work, feeling better, running again and have the most amazing set of family and friends rallying behind me. 

   Happy Thanksgiving my friends...   

        

National Hug A Runner Day

   As I rolled out of a way too comfortably warm bed today I checked my trusty Google Calendar to see what was on my agenda for my only day off this week. I was hoping that today wasn't the day, but there it was staring back at me scheduled for 12:30 PM. Today I was scheduled to meet with my spinal surgeon's PA to discuss my progress so far. So I did what I typically do when faced with something as stressful as I was sure this appointment would be, I blocked it out and proceeded to be the busiest dad, husband and Facebook friend that I could be. Mornings are always rushed here in the Sandman household, I just turned it up a little to keep my mind on other things. I made breakfast, cleaned up the kitchen, sent out texts, started some laundry, sent out some birthday wishes, liked a thousand posts, took care of the hounds, shoveled about two inches of the white stuff off the driveway (yeah, winter finally here) and managed to get Sandkid off to school! It's funny how productive a type A guy with minor OCD who's trying to block something out can be!

   Then it was off to the gym to get a workout in. The whole new having an actual coach thing is working out really good so far. I'm the type of guy who follows things to the letter. So maybe having a coach with as much experience and skill as Coach Judy has will channel that dedication into the correct path to get me not only up and running again, but make me better than before? You've gotta respect someone who's run for 29 years straight! And I thought 609 days was a long time! I wasn't sure how the online thing would work, but it's much easier than I expected. What was life before email and social media? I remember sitting at work computer for the first time many years ago filled with doubt that I'd ever learn how to use the thing. Now I'm sending my coach in Virginia scanned copies of my workouts via email and giving her updates on my progress through online chats. Yeah, I got skills! 

   The plan for this week's training was a combination of both of us. I got the clearance form Coach to restart my two favorite core workout routines. Only this time using better form and inserting some minor additions here and there. It felt strange to do the movements again after not not doing them for almost three months! Even the puppy looked at me on the carpet yesterday and said, "Dude, I thought you gave those up? You look ridiculous!" But the common theme I'm getting from many back injury specialists is to strengthen, strengthen, strengthen the core. So that's what I'm going to do! My chiropractor gave me his first exercise that he wants me to start doing since I've nixed my PT, the pelvic bridge. He wants me to work up to being able to hold it for 83 seconds. Holy crap I used to think I was in shape! Going to have to work on that whole time thingy!

   Coach wanted me to walk run just a mile three times this week trying to get up to 20 minutes of activity. The plan was to have this great big kickoff on Monday. But I got stuck for almost 16 hours at the hospital watching a badguy who had heart problems. Since the injury wearing a duty belt and body armor sucks royally. Sitting on hospital gurneys and bad chairs didn't help. I even had to cancel an appointment. So the big start happened on Tuesday instead. I was surprised as hell to knock out a 12 minute mile. I even managed to run at 5 MPH for the entire time! I can't put into words what it felt like to be able to run again. My mind, my body, everything felt like it was coming back online after being asleep for ages. My running shoes felt awkward as hell and it wasn't pain free. But it was a huge personal victory on a dark basement treadmill. I even managed to do it again today! 

   The doctor's visit went better than expected. Even after all the worrying. I was so afraid that I was going to get the "Surgery's the only option at this point." speech. I even wore a running top and shorts to make sure that she got the impression I'm getting better. It was like 20 degrees today with fresh snow on the ground; everyone looked at me like I was insane! Got the OK to slightly increase my nerve blocker medication if I need to and am scheduled for another visit in three months. Lots of questions and I've gotta say that I mentally feel better. There's so many negative people and information out there about this type of injury. But it's all bullshit! Surgery was discussed as an option in the future if it starts interfering with my life. She doesn't know that I'm probably the only patient who treated an extended sick leave due to a back injury as a vacation to do house improvement projects! I don't sit still!   

   As I walked out of the doctor's office my phone buzzed with a calendar reminder that made me smile. It was National Hug A Runner Day. It's been a long time. Lots of hard work. Lots of worrying. Lots of endless waiting. Sometimes you just have to put your head down, do the work and have faith that you'll finish the race. That is one hell of a difficult thing to do and this is one really freaking long race. But I'm doin it step by step. Got hugs from my wife and my little man when I got home; not because I'm a great husband or amazing father, but because I'm a runner...

   Happy National Hug A Runner Day my friends! Fast, slow, run-walker I give you a big virtual hug! So blessed that the miles continue to tick by and that the race continues...

A Comeback

   It's funny how when things seem so dark that a turnaround comes out of the blue. This week has been the incredible week that I needed in a lot of ways. It's been such a struggle here lately and it was finally nice to let some sunshine in.

   It appears that going back to work has done my back injury a bit of good. The three to four miles that I routinely walk during a shift have provided healing by bringing additional blood flow to my herniated discs. Still leaning a little. But definitely not as bad two weeks ago. Feel like I'm getting better everyday!

   I managed to actually run a whole mile! Funny when you consider that six miles was once my easy standard daily distance that I ran every day. But I'm not complaining. Even during that short distance I found myself slipping back into the old familiar routine. I felt old systems coming back online and for a brief time, it felt AMAZING! It felt really good to be back and feel like a runner again!

   After the momentous mile run I started thinking about what to do next. I've learned a lot through this experience and not surprisingly, I've got much more to discover. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks? This event has challenged many of the things that I've come to rely on as standard techniques, exercises and methods for training and running. I've always been a self taught distance runner. But maybe it was time to reach out and discover what else was out there. I contacted my friend Judy Mick to bounce some ideas off her. Judy's an amazing runner, author, coach and streaker. She's what I consider to be at the pinnacle of our sport. We met through FB when I started my running streak. She makes my 609 days of non-stop running look like a walk in the park. She's been doing it non-stop for many years. She gave me some good advice and out of nowhere, offered to coach me. To say that I was surprised is an understatement. For someone to offer their time and experience to make someone else better (that they've never met in person) is such a gift. To do it just because we're friends is even more amazing. I'm more than grateful.  

   I ran another non-stop mile today and met with a new chiropractor. I felt better today than I have in a very long time. Even managed a 5 MPH pace for a brief time. The new doc did something that three I've already talked with didn't, he explained everything that was going on with me. Made some minor adjustments and we made a new attack plan for my recovery. After my appointment I felt even better mentally and physically. 

   Comebacks don't always happen in fancy gyms, with state of the art equipment or during sensational big name races. Sometimes they happen in dark basements, on a sweaty treadmill to the sound of laundry washing while a lone lab sheep dog mix stares at some crazy guy raising his fist in victory to the Running Gods after running just a single, plain and slow mile. 

   Don't give up. Maybe the comeback you're looking for is right around the corner...    

   

Hell Of A Life

   It's been awhile since I've posted here. Not because I haven't wanted to. I actually started and deleted two previous attempts at posting. It's very difficult to put into words the thoughts, emotions and craziness that have been going through my life lately. I didn't want to turn this into a place where all I did was bitch about everything that's going wrong in my life either. I've always wanted this to be something to inspire others to unlock their true potential to be what they've always wanted regardless whether that's through running or not. 

   

   It's been challenging to feel inspiring when you go from proudly having a running streak lasting over 600 days and being on the verge of running your first 50K to not being able to even walk. I can deal with the running streak ending. It was only meant to last 366 days after all. I can deal with putting the idea of running a 50K on the Shelf of Future Stuff. Who wants to run a little over 30 miles anyways? But when you consider everything else that everyone doesn't see that I get from running, this unwelcome hiatus has been quite devastating.

   I used to think fellow co-workers who returned from an extended sick leave were completely insane when said they couldn't wait to get back to work. I don't think that's such a crazy concept anymore. Yeah it's great staying home still getting paid. Yeah it's great to have all the free time that you want. Yeah it's great to have the luxury of seeing your friends and family whenever you want. But there's things that I never considered too. I missed my friends at work and feeling like I had value in the world. All that free time gets really old when you have nothing to do and can't get around without any pain. I'm totally screwed when I retire and I will never mumble under my breath again when I'm stuck behind a slower person at the grocery store. Sure you have nothing to do but your friends and family still have their lives. The world doesn't stop when you do. There were so many boring days that when I did finally talk to or see my friends and family I overwhelmed them a bit. The worst of it all was the time to think about the worst possible outcomes of my current condition. It was and to a much lesser extent still now consuming me. The pain's always a constant reminder that it's there. Some days made me feel like I was Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. 

   I tried to do a lot of research and reach out to other back injury suffers. But that wasn't such a great thing. I read a lot of horrible stories, met some people who were mere shadows of who they once were and got the hell scared out of me. I was afraid that I was going to become addicted to pain medication, have endless, pointless surgeries and have to walk away from running and my career forever. 

   I tried to throw myself into my re-hab. My therapist in my opinion was a little too eager to feed that obsession. I got up to doing an hour and a half of strength and flexibility exercises a day. I was gaining strength but I was beating the hell out of myself while doing it. I'm the kind of person who will follow instructions to the letter. But I was getting really sick of killing myself at something that didn't seem to be working. It was so depressing to log two zero miles of running in my running log for the last two months.  

   I tried to use all my new found free time to attack some home improvement projects that have been waiting in the wind forever. Only I would take an extended sick leave into a chance to redo my kitchen. I got a lot of stuff done. It wasn't wasn't easy and it took me more time than I wanted because of the pain. It looked great but it was getting out of control. When you're out sick you can't work OT to feed the project's bankroll. 

   I'm not afraid to admit this, but many times things were so dark. Sometimes they still are. When I was younger and obese food was something that I took comfort in when I was stressed. This carried over into my adulthood as a runner. But all those miles helped to combat the stress of life and the extra calorie binge that happened every now and then. Only now there were more binges than usual and nothing to help with the extra calories or stress. After many discussions with my wife, who's a therapist, I started going to a psychiatrist to help maintain my sanity. I was having a lot of scary thoughts. The guy's amazing and specializes in helping members of the law enforcement community. It was nice to have someone to talk too and offer a different perspective. 

   I decided that I needed to go back to work to restart a normal life. I was able to stand now and walk. Got cleared by my doctor and the department's doctor to return to work full duty status. Inside I still felt weak and vulnerable. But I didn't have an endless amount of sick days either. I needed to go back. 

   The first week of being back at work is in the books. I knew it was going to be challenging and tough. My uniform fit like garbage because I've gained some weight. The gunbelt that once was just something that I wore became a pain in my side, literally. I typically daily walk over three miles when I'm at work and it was challenging to have to do that again. Holy crap I never realized how much walking that is! My entire life I've had a minor foot impediment that causes my left foot to slightly turn in. The back pain is causing my body to shift to the left. This is a common symptom of a back injury and happens involuntary. Those two things coupled together have garnered much attention from bad guys and co-workers alike. It gets really old hearing about how I'm leaning the 1000th time. The constant reminder sucks. The naysayers who assured me that my injury was from running and told me to give it up weren't very helpful or educated about what I'm going through. The injury has nothing to do with running, running actually increases blood flow and healing and makes it feel better. I'm worried some of my supervisors will force me to go back on sick leave or light duty too because of the visible leaning. I sure as hell don't want to go back out sick and certainly don't want to get moved to the 3PM-11PM or 11PM-7AM shifts on light duty either. I was nervous as hell and all of these things just made that worse.

   But my friends made the transition back easier and my self esteem grew as the week passed. After talking with a friend who's a supervisor I changed some things around. We were talking about how some people suffering from back injuries let it define them and how they can use that as an excuse to never return to something like running. I don't know why, but it hit home when he said, "When you're ready you'll just do it." 

   I started strictly enforcing taking my nerve medication and OTC pain medication, not just when I needed it. I religiously started using ice and my TENS machine again. Only I would pick the week that I return to work to start learning how to run again with my therapist's walk-run program! Again I think that it's a little too aggressive. So I rearranged some of the steps and I'm happy to report that for the last three days the visible shifting is gone. Only I notice the minuscule shift when I stare back at myself in the mirror. Last night I walk-ran a little over a mile and it felt damn good. Yes there was pain but it was manageable and for some reason felt like something that won't last. It took me twice as long as what used to be an easy slow warm-up mile. But a little over a mile is a little over a mile. It still counts and felt like a new beginning. I also felt like writing here again.

   Facing your own worst fears and your worst critic, yourself is incredibly scary. It makes you question who you are and where you're going. But the past in the past. The future is unwritten. It won't be easy. But if there's one thing I'm good at it's putting my head down and pushing on. Call it blind faith that through hard work anything is achievable. Nothing is for certain. I could never run again or I could. Maybe this is the defining moment that few blessed people get to experience in their lives that give them inspiration to do amazing, positive things. I've learned some things that only could be taught through an event like this. It's a hell of a life. But I'm going live it one mile at a time.